Am I inept?

My initial title for this blog entry was going to be "I am inept." I changed it after writing the entry.>

So, not only have I only just begun preparation for my presentation tomorrow on Cognitive Therapy and Cognitive Restructuring, shout outz to Beck and Meichenbaum--woot!, but my Thanksgiving break was an absurd and ridiculous display of laziness and an inept ability to be a functional lesbian--or so I thought.

Let me explain. I spent my vacation watching Mash Season 6, disc 1, Christmas cartoons, going shopping with my mother for preppy girlie clothing, discussing reality modeling tv, and drinking apple martinis and gin and tonics. I also played a lot of Scrabulous on facebook. I went to bed early and alone on my 22nd birthday. The only 'gay' thing I did was go to my first all-lesbian bar on Saturday night to hang out with my friend Stacey and to hear Lindsay Hinkle sing about a number of relationship issues. At the bar, I was awkward and discussed community psychology and 'duck lip' dance moves with new friends. That makes me not a 'good' lesbian but a nerdy college student.

Thus, I have been pondering my identity as a lesbian and as a queer activist. My identity in Sewanee is almost entirely shaped by my sexual orientation and my place here in this community as an activist. I'm irritable and angry, alone and dissatisfied and I also bitch too much about the aforementioned list of negative characteristics about myself. My poor friend Stephanie reassured me tonight about my awkwardness in relating to women that I'm interested in 'romantically.' She said, "I'm the same way with guys, it's normal. 'The pick,' up here on this mountain, is slim, don't get upset, just do what you have to do and get the fuck out."

Preppy haters, listen up. I'm through being used by you. Take notice: my 'by appointment' sign on my dorm room door, is for serious. I'm no longer your stereotypical gay bitch. I am my own person. I'll wear a dress if I want to. I'll do what I want. Stop making me feel guilty and exiled. I want to be happy, so leave me the fuck alone.