1. I want to bottle library air because it smells so so so good--or is that my new cologne, no idea?
2. There's a lot of caffeine and nicotine in my bloodstream right now.
3. I just wrote 800 words in 30 minutes.
4. I can't get my foot to stop wiggling.
5. My therapist called me Bertha in our session today.
6. Pink should be my girlfriend.
7. I am one of 2 people in an area of about 3000 square feet right now. Thanks Sewanee for my 11 acres and the fabulous location right next to the new compact shelving in the basement of the library.
Stats (quick!):
Caffeine intake: all time high
Nicotine intake: ditto
Words written: 3500
Words yet to be written: 2900
Hours remaining: 21
And no, Sarah, I did not wear a bra today.
so,
Presence of bra: no
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Ignorant Educated People Make Me Crazy
I went to the second class of my "Films of Alfred Hitchcock" art history insanity situation today. Last night we watched Nosferatu, which was produced in 1922 by Murnau, a mentor of Hitchcock's. The film is basically based on Bram Stoker's Dracula. It's a silent film, and parts of it are quite hysterical because of the intense facial expressions, but that discussion is for another day.
So, at the beginning of class the professor asked why it is that human beings are so fascinated by horror films. A number of excellent answers came out of those in attendence. Escapism...Identity with the characters...Pursuit of a thrilling situation My answer went something like, "People like to view the grotesque because society does not allow us to partake in desire."
She made no comment about my comment until later in class, when she gave a 30 minute lecture on desire and how society forces us to supress it. She did this by talking about Freud. And what she had to say about Freud. well, it was ALL. WRONG. She said that Freud says everything we desire is all about sex. Ok, that's partially true and I'll give her points for trying but still, let's not generalize people.
Freud said that society did not allow us to express our desires. As in more than one type of desire. Sexual desire is one type of desire. It's the only one we're allowed to partake in to any degree and even then, sex is not always fulfilling of what each individual desires sexually.
Then, she began analyzing the characters. There's a feminine female character who ends up saving all the other characters from the vampire at the end of the film. She's extremely intuitive. Then there's a male protagonist. He's goofy and light-hearted and extemely dim-witted. Firstly, she said that the female character was portrayed in an extremely lovely fashion. That her natural abilities, as a woman, to be in tune with her emotions were like those innate animalistic behaviors of wolves and stuff. I thought I was going to scream. She said it all matter-of-fact, like women are primitive and that is the truth and that is lovely. Women, omg...professor...women are so so so much more than primitive and I would even argue that men are more primitive and women are more balanced and rational than men. Then she said that because the male and female characters were such opposites that they really complimented one another well. That they were fit to be a match and that that match should be played out in marriage. That marriage was this perfect gift from God, and should be the ultimate goal of men and women. That men and women were meant for each other.
*pause*
My mouth dropped. I had no idea what to say. I thought my brain was going to explode and little bits of Bertha brain were going to bubble out of my ears and spew all over that auditorium. The only thing I could muster to do was to write the word, "gag," all over my paper. I wrote:
"Hitchcock--marriage (male symbol + female symbol = perfect union GAG GAG GAG GAG!!!" and I underlined the last "GAG!!!" three times in scratchy black ink.
Even now, I cannot begin to explain how this experience makes me feel. My mouth continues to hang open and my body is convulsing with discomfort. My hands are sweating and my heart is pounding.
How can such an educated person, a woman!, with the title "Dr." in front of her name, who I'm sure went to an Ivy League undergraduate college and like some really difficult and perplexing graduate program (or perhaps three) be so incredibly ignorant?!
GAG!!!
So, at the beginning of class the professor asked why it is that human beings are so fascinated by horror films. A number of excellent answers came out of those in attendence. Escapism...Identity with the characters...Pursuit of a thrilling situation My answer went something like, "People like to view the grotesque because society does not allow us to partake in desire."
She made no comment about my comment until later in class, when she gave a 30 minute lecture on desire and how society forces us to supress it. She did this by talking about Freud. And what she had to say about Freud. well, it was ALL. WRONG. She said that Freud says everything we desire is all about sex. Ok, that's partially true and I'll give her points for trying but still, let's not generalize people.
Freud said that society did not allow us to express our desires. As in more than one type of desire. Sexual desire is one type of desire. It's the only one we're allowed to partake in to any degree and even then, sex is not always fulfilling of what each individual desires sexually.
Then, she began analyzing the characters. There's a feminine female character who ends up saving all the other characters from the vampire at the end of the film. She's extremely intuitive. Then there's a male protagonist. He's goofy and light-hearted and extemely dim-witted. Firstly, she said that the female character was portrayed in an extremely lovely fashion. That her natural abilities, as a woman, to be in tune with her emotions were like those innate animalistic behaviors of wolves and stuff. I thought I was going to scream. She said it all matter-of-fact, like women are primitive and that is the truth and that is lovely. Women, omg...professor...women are so so so much more than primitive and I would even argue that men are more primitive and women are more balanced and rational than men. Then she said that because the male and female characters were such opposites that they really complimented one another well. That they were fit to be a match and that that match should be played out in marriage. That marriage was this perfect gift from God, and should be the ultimate goal of men and women. That men and women were meant for each other.
*pause*
My mouth dropped. I had no idea what to say. I thought my brain was going to explode and little bits of Bertha brain were going to bubble out of my ears and spew all over that auditorium. The only thing I could muster to do was to write the word, "gag," all over my paper. I wrote:
"Hitchcock--marriage (male symbol + female symbol = perfect union GAG GAG GAG GAG!!!" and I underlined the last "GAG!!!" three times in scratchy black ink.
Even now, I cannot begin to explain how this experience makes me feel. My mouth continues to hang open and my body is convulsing with discomfort. My hands are sweating and my heart is pounding.
How can such an educated person, a woman!, with the title "Dr." in front of her name, who I'm sure went to an Ivy League undergraduate college and like some really difficult and perplexing graduate program (or perhaps three) be so incredibly ignorant?!
GAG!!!
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Dear God,
If you could manage a miracle this week sometime, may I request that it be performed for my benefit?
I realize that this may be a really selfish request, but just hear me out:
1. Alright, I have 1000 words written out of 6400 words that are due by Friday at 5pm. I have "the psychological block of writing." This is different from the traditional writer's block in that it is only affecting my ability to produce written work for professors in the psychology department of which will be critiqueing my knowledge of psychology. And as you can see, I am able to write this blog entry; entirely different types of blocks.
2. My ankle, it is the size of a softball. and it hurts. and it's blue.
3. My friends, they're all quitting smoking, but 'cept I'm not, but yet they all keep bitching to me that they want to smoke. I'm having a difficult time being compassionate mainly due to number 1.
4. My mind, it wanders. It produces lines of poetry and other stuff that are lovely but not helpful right now when I need to be concentrating, mainly on number 1.
5. My Indigo Girls tickets have not arrived yet.
So, you see God, these are my problems and they're a little bit pressing. And, if you could help me out, I'd, you know, like, go to church and all that jazz but mainly, it would make me happy. And I'd like to be just a little happy this week.
Thanks and Bless you(?),
Bertha
I realize that this may be a really selfish request, but just hear me out:
1. Alright, I have 1000 words written out of 6400 words that are due by Friday at 5pm. I have "the psychological block of writing." This is different from the traditional writer's block in that it is only affecting my ability to produce written work for professors in the psychology department of which will be critiqueing my knowledge of psychology. And as you can see, I am able to write this blog entry; entirely different types of blocks.
2. My ankle, it is the size of a softball. and it hurts. and it's blue.
3. My friends, they're all quitting smoking, but 'cept I'm not, but yet they all keep bitching to me that they want to smoke. I'm having a difficult time being compassionate mainly due to number 1.
4. My mind, it wanders. It produces lines of poetry and other stuff that are lovely but not helpful right now when I need to be concentrating, mainly on number 1.
5. My Indigo Girls tickets have not arrived yet.
So, you see God, these are my problems and they're a little bit pressing. And, if you could help me out, I'd, you know, like, go to church and all that jazz but mainly, it would make me happy. And I'd like to be just a little happy this week.
Thanks and Bless you(?),
Bertha
Monday, January 14, 2008
Home
The air is cooler and the wind blows in a bitter fashion. I am forced back into my habit of wearing long johns under my jeans and wrapping a scarf around my neck, tucking it under my coat before I walk through hell to get to my car under the yellow glow of street lights.
There are no more big brick cookie cutter homes or loud obnoxious streams of traffic, only the Mommy deer and her baby deers get in the way of the path home.
I am forced to use a microwave when I decide to cook. Whatever I cook on my own is in a styrofoam container with a paper covering for a lid that is glued in place. The scent of brewing coffee is intense from the pot because the place in which I now dwell is approximately 2500 square feet smaller than where I lived for the past four weeks.
It smells of sulfur in the bathroom and of mold in my bedroom. Everything is dusty from lack of human presence and the calendar on the wall is buzzing with sharpied-in assignments.
I am back on the mountain.
There are no more big brick cookie cutter homes or loud obnoxious streams of traffic, only the Mommy deer and her baby deers get in the way of the path home.
I am forced to use a microwave when I decide to cook. Whatever I cook on my own is in a styrofoam container with a paper covering for a lid that is glued in place. The scent of brewing coffee is intense from the pot because the place in which I now dwell is approximately 2500 square feet smaller than where I lived for the past four weeks.
It smells of sulfur in the bathroom and of mold in my bedroom. Everything is dusty from lack of human presence and the calendar on the wall is buzzing with sharpied-in assignments.
I am back on the mountain.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
I'm sorry and/or my bad
Yesterday and today have been the best days ever!
The summer after I turned sixteen I had never smoked a cigarette, kissed a girl or been to a cool kid party. The fall after that summer, I still had never smoked a cigarette, kissed a girl or been to a cool kid party but I had had my first cool kid experience.
I worked at a church camp that summer. There was this thing that lived on the surface of the lake in the center of the compound. It was tethered to the two story dock and it was about 12 feet in diameter and about 40 feet long. It was called The Blob.
During camper's rest period, all the counselors were allowed to swim in the lake. That was the only time we were allowed to play on The Blob. The idea was to jump off the dock onto the end of The Blob that was directly beneath the dock. The person on the other end of The Blob would then be catapulted into the air to eventually land in the lake. It was great fun to watch the faces of the soaring counselors, but to be one was quite a different story.
One day during counselor play time, my counselor friend Scott told me it was time to Blob. So, I took a deep breath and climbed the dock ladder. I jumped on The Blob forcing my friend Anna into the air probably at a standard arch of 4 feet above the surface of the water. I crawled to the other end of The Blob. At this point all of the campers were standing on the back docks of their tents watching the counselors make fools of themselves and laughing. A few seconds after I get situated at the end of The Blob with my back to the dock, I felt an enormous pounce at the opposite end of The Blob. My body flew out of control and fell smack into the lack, stomach first. (This is also known as a belly flop). Upon exiting the water, the entire camp was clapping and cheering loudly. My stomach ached with pain. It was only after I exited the lake that I was informed of the situation. Apparently, my friend Scott and my other friends David and Anna had all jumped on The Blob together and that I had cleared the two story dock by about four feet before flopping loudly into the lake. I felt like the coolest kid ever, mainly because I had lived, but also because I had not cried and everyone thought I was cool.
Yesterday and today, I have felt like that same cool kid. The one with the bruises but still smiling and having a great time at life.
And also my last two days have been fun because that turtle couple on the comcast commercials, crack me up.
The summer after I turned sixteen I had never smoked a cigarette, kissed a girl or been to a cool kid party. The fall after that summer, I still had never smoked a cigarette, kissed a girl or been to a cool kid party but I had had my first cool kid experience.
I worked at a church camp that summer. There was this thing that lived on the surface of the lake in the center of the compound. It was tethered to the two story dock and it was about 12 feet in diameter and about 40 feet long. It was called The Blob.
During camper's rest period, all the counselors were allowed to swim in the lake. That was the only time we were allowed to play on The Blob. The idea was to jump off the dock onto the end of The Blob that was directly beneath the dock. The person on the other end of The Blob would then be catapulted into the air to eventually land in the lake. It was great fun to watch the faces of the soaring counselors, but to be one was quite a different story.
One day during counselor play time, my counselor friend Scott told me it was time to Blob. So, I took a deep breath and climbed the dock ladder. I jumped on The Blob forcing my friend Anna into the air probably at a standard arch of 4 feet above the surface of the water. I crawled to the other end of The Blob. At this point all of the campers were standing on the back docks of their tents watching the counselors make fools of themselves and laughing. A few seconds after I get situated at the end of The Blob with my back to the dock, I felt an enormous pounce at the opposite end of The Blob. My body flew out of control and fell smack into the lack, stomach first. (This is also known as a belly flop). Upon exiting the water, the entire camp was clapping and cheering loudly. My stomach ached with pain. It was only after I exited the lake that I was informed of the situation. Apparently, my friend Scott and my other friends David and Anna had all jumped on The Blob together and that I had cleared the two story dock by about four feet before flopping loudly into the lake. I felt like the coolest kid ever, mainly because I had lived, but also because I had not cried and everyone thought I was cool.
Yesterday and today, I have felt like that same cool kid. The one with the bruises but still smiling and having a great time at life.
And also my last two days have been fun because that turtle couple on the comcast commercials, crack me up.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
holy moly stromboli
"jeezy chreezy" --eddie izzard
so, i drank like three cups of coffee this afternoon around 4:30. oh my god! i was so hopped up on caffeine that i could not contain myself come 9 o'clock tonight. so i strapped on my running shoes and trusty everlast sports bra and went for a run. only problem is...my mind had conveniently hidden the memory of the last time i went running. wow...
my body hurts and i probably only ran about two miles. my track coach from high school is probably rolling over in bed right now in agony. and i will probably do the same all night, my calves are tight and my butt hurts and well...i can't catch my breath. i probably should quit smoking if i'm going to consider this hobby again.
good-bye cruel cruel saggy body...hello tight legs and pain when i sit on the potty for the next week. but i think i'll do it again tomorrow, just to see how it goes.
goodnight my friends :)
so, i drank like three cups of coffee this afternoon around 4:30. oh my god! i was so hopped up on caffeine that i could not contain myself come 9 o'clock tonight. so i strapped on my running shoes and trusty everlast sports bra and went for a run. only problem is...my mind had conveniently hidden the memory of the last time i went running. wow...
my body hurts and i probably only ran about two miles. my track coach from high school is probably rolling over in bed right now in agony. and i will probably do the same all night, my calves are tight and my butt hurts and well...i can't catch my breath. i probably should quit smoking if i'm going to consider this hobby again.
good-bye cruel cruel saggy body...hello tight legs and pain when i sit on the potty for the next week. but i think i'll do it again tomorrow, just to see how it goes.
goodnight my friends :)
Saturday, January 5, 2008
pink is my new favorite color
one night to you
lasted six weeks to me...
it's gonna take a long time to love
it's gonna take a hold on
it's gonna be a long way to happy
left in the pieces that you broke me into
torn apart
but now i've got to
keep on rolling like a stone
cuz it's gonna be a long long way to happy...
trying to cover up the damage
and pat out all the bruises...
i'll keep on rolling down this road
but i've got a bad bad feeling
now i'm numb as hell
and i can't feel a thing
but don't worry about regret or guilt
cuz i never even knew your name
but i just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart
for all the sleepless nights
and for tearing me apart...
(for the rest of this post please see broke broke bertha meets red retter vargas--my poetry blog)
lasted six weeks to me...
it's gonna take a long time to love
it's gonna take a hold on
it's gonna be a long way to happy
left in the pieces that you broke me into
torn apart
but now i've got to
keep on rolling like a stone
cuz it's gonna be a long long way to happy...
trying to cover up the damage
and pat out all the bruises...
i'll keep on rolling down this road
but i've got a bad bad feeling
now i'm numb as hell
and i can't feel a thing
but don't worry about regret or guilt
cuz i never even knew your name
but i just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart
for all the sleepless nights
and for tearing me apart...
(for the rest of this post please see broke broke bertha meets red retter vargas--my poetry blog)
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